Setting Limits
By Armin Brott
www.mrdad.com
DearMr. Dad: My wife and I have been talking a lot about the importance ofsetting limits for our two children, ages 5 and 7. We know we must dothis but we aren't sure how to go about it, especially since the kidscontinually challenge us on every new rule. But it's so exhausting. Anysuggestions?
A: You're absolutely right tobe talking about setting limits. Boundaries are essential for raisingwell-behaved kids, especially in this age of "anything goes." I wishyou had started your discussions a few years ago (and you probably dotoo), but it's never too late.
Why is it so important for parents to set boundaries#150;and for thechildren to respect them? Well, start by thinking of your family in alarger context. Every civilized society has rules and regulations. Somemay be reasonable and others less so, but just imagine what the worldwould be like if everyone made and followed their own rules, whileignoring and breaking everyone else's. (To a child, that might soundlike paradise, but as adults, we can hopefully see the larger picture.)
Unfortunately, children aren't born with a pre-loaded set of rules. Soif we don't teach them the difference between good and bad behavior,healthy and dangerous habits, kind and hurtful actions, how will theyever know what's positive and acceptable and what isn't?
Okay, now that we've got the philosophy of limit-setting down, let'stalk about how to start establishing rules and how to make sure they'rethe right ones for your family. Here are some guidelines I think you'llfind helpful:
Boundaries should bereasonable and clear to a child. It's sometimes a delicate balancingact, but you've got to find the middle ground between being too lenientand too strict.
Limits should beage-appropriate. What works now for your 5 and 7-year-old, won't workfor a teen. And in fact, what works for your 5 year old probably won'twork for the 7 year old.
Be flexible. As yourchildren get older, you'll need to modify your house rules accordingly.
Make sure the kidsunderstand why each rule is necessary. You may say, for example, thatthey're not allowed to go to a friend's house alone because they're tooyoung to cross the street by themselves. Explaining the reason behindeach boundary will show them that you don't make the rules arbitrarilyjust to curtail their freedom, but, rather, to protect them in apotentially unsafe environment. That said, make sure your childrenunderstand that while you're happy to discuss certain rules, there aresome--health and safety issues, for example--that are non-negotiable.
Establish clear consequencesfor breaking rules. Kids have to be held accountable for their actionsso they grow into responsible and trustworthy adults. When--notif--they test the boundaries or break the rules, be prepared to enforcethe consequences right away. If you don't, the kids will learn thatbreaking rules is okay or that there's always one more "last warning."That's not a lesson that will serve them well in adulthood, when theconsequences for bending or breaking the rules will be harsher.
All in all, setting boundariesisn't going to be easy--we want our children to love us and don't wantthem to be mad at us, which is exactly what will happen when theyinevitably bang up against the rules. But it's our job to stand firm.The result will be more respectful, better-mannered kids who will growinto responsible, likeable adults.
Armin Brott is America's most trustedDad#153;. He's the author of seven bestselling books on fatherhood.He has written for dozens of major publications such as Newsweek, The New York Times Magazine, Men's Health, and Parenting Magazine, and appeared onhundreds of radio and television shows including Today, Fox News, CBSOvernight, and Politically Incorrect. Armin has taken his experience asthe father of three beautiful children, interviews with thousands offathers just like you, and with the very latest research, and writtenbooks specifically for Dads.nbsp;
www.mrdad.com
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